To be happy or to be miserable, the choice is only mine. Funny enough, the line between these two very radical emotional states is actually quite thin. So thin, I can hardly stand it!
My life is full of positivity right now. I have the most influential friends, a surplus of fantastic work ahead of me, and thank Baby Jesus my health is up as well as the health of my mom and family. I can't even begin to summarize how blessed this year has been. Happiness crept up on me at the most vulnerable, deepest, darkest time of my life. I guess that's how it works sometimes.
But there are some times when I am just angry and bitter and hateful. Someone could be annoying me that day with a personality type that clashes with mine. I can't stop complaining about miniscule things, or questioning why I don't look a certain way, or why I lack so much self control. When I tell myself to stop sugar intake, I lose control. The same with my emotions. Why other people are rewarded tenfold, when I know for a fact they have been handed things nearly their entire life? And why do I even give a shit? That ain't MY life, so why is MY mind so wrapped up in other people's lives?
I believe that God is actively helping me pursue truth, at least once if not twice a day, by handing me experiences that test my patience. What if I feel like I am simply just running out of it? Like, what the FUCK. How do I keep producing this shit? Will I ever feel like my patience isn't tested?
My mind has been utterly scattered lately. Full of emotional baggage and clouds. I am having the best day and the worst day. Tribulations of being a woman!