Surrender.

This blog is dedicated to Lauren King.

Hi Lauren.

So.... I've been busying myself with many things. Thus far, this new year has blessed me with lots of time to spend with my good friends in San Diego and Fullerton. I got to see The King's Speech, which was incredible (Colin Firth, YES) and also...BLUE VALENTINE. Which was one of the best movies I've seen in such a long time in regards to acting and the portrayal of real life and real ass relationships. Dirty, messy, dark and damaged relationships. The type of love that is worth watching. Which resonated so much inside of me, I could hardly handle it. But I am so happy I watched it. I want to watch it over and over again. Not only because of my HUSBAND RYAN, but just because it hits me in all the ugliest ways.

I also have been committed to attempting to push myself in training myself. I have gone to at least one dance class a week, hoping to push that to three once school starts. It just gets really pricey and becomes difficult to keep up. However, I've worked out on my own in attempt to keep my body healthy thus keeping my heart healthy. Which is what I need; well all humans need, I suppose. But I've got my goals in my mind. Book work, book work, book work, Broadway.

Yesterday I attended Rock Harbor, and Steve talked mostly about anxiety and trust. (This is where Lauren says, *sigh....oh Jackie.*)

In Matthew 6:25-34, it says,

"....Do not worry about your life.....(Mentions not worrying about clothing, food, yadda yadda) Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

TRULY.

Steve actually mentioned aside from God, that we as humans worry so much about the next step in life and the next option, versus rejoicing in the NOW. Rejoicing in our lives in the present versus worrying about tomorrow. We worry so much about the next step in our lives and focus on the wrong aspects of our spirit, meaning why not love and be utterly happy when we are truly capable to do so. I agree so much. Don't you?

I spend so much of my day planning the next steps in my life, and just now have I reached a point in my life to be happy about what I do have right now, and be utterly thankful and satisfied. We live our lives stressing about the things we CANNOT CONTROL. Versus trusting in God to lay out the next day for you. Right?

I admit, religion for me has been an ongoing battle since I could physically remember, but recently, I have been taking a true appreciation for it, whether or not a certain denomination resonates with me or not. I don't know what I am, nor do I feel the need to know right now. But last night, there was some real ass shit that was being laid out on the table, and I couldn't have appreciated it more.

The last wing of the night was rounded off by the topic of SURRENDER. Steve, merely said, "Present your requests to God, and surrender."

This was exactly what I wanted to hear, what I needed to hear, and made me feel incredibly happy. And the good part is that if I were to explain this to a non-Christian believer such as my best friend Lisa, it could mean just the same if I were to say, "Present your requests to the universe, to Buddha, to the spirits, to whatever the fuck it is you believe, and...surrender."

That is what I am doing. And it is working for me. Presenting my requests, and surrendering, letting my life be free and relishing in the big moments, little moments, every thing, has been so rewarding and makes me feel like life is so much more substantial then it used to be. Life is so crazy, and sometimes I literally can't keep up. But that's part of the adventure, I suppose. :)

I will also surrender to this.

Ryan Gosling, marry me.