Wednesday, September 17, 2014

My hair loss and depression.


Today I am using social media as a platform for honesty, story-telling, and bravery. Hiding this issue has only made me more insecure. Plus, this should answer any questions as to why I will be looking a little different in the next few months of this year.





I am balding. Severely.
There. Whew! 



Two weeks ago, on a late Thursday night, I took a shower, did the normal routine of brushing and blowdrying my hair, but then noticed that two handfuls of hair came out on my brush. 
The more I brushed, the more hair came out. 


I checked myself into an ER. I spent hours and hours in the hospital with a doctor, therapist, different dermatologists, gynecologists, every type of "gists" you could fathom. I had every type of blood test, eye test, lady part test, everything! I had to wait. Waiting for my test results was probably one of the most terrifying things I've had to do. 




My results came back normal. 


"Jackie. You are exceptionally healthy. But, I have to ask you, have you been highly stressed or would you say you had or have depression?" the Doc asked.


"Yes." I hesitantly replied.


"This must be new-onset Alopecia Areata." he answered. 


**Alopecia Areata is hair loss as a result of high level stress, depression, and can be a delayed physical reaction of a mental sickness upwards of months at a time.


Depression. That sick son of a bitch. 


The truth is, my friends: I have had an on-going battle with severe depression since I was 19. Once my brother William died, my spirit spiraled down. Thing after thing began to happen. Toxic relationships, homelessness -- you name it, I lived it. 

For six years I have fought this demon over and over again. Few of my friends know, but for the most part, this is something I've kept to myself.

The closest I can describe it is: crawling into a dark hole, lying there; left alone feeling suffocated and strangled by your own thoughts and anger. Every year is different. Some better, some worse. Healing takes time, money, and honesty. I cope by spreading as much love as I know even possible. I volunteer, pray, I hone in on strengthening the relationships that mean most to me, and I live an honest life. I also sing! And dance! 

At the very beginning of this year, depression hit me the hardest. Without going into much graphic detail, I wasn't too enthusiastic about existing anymore. I simply had no motivation to. There was no stamina, no love nor any energy left in my soul. I went back to my therapist, who I had been seeing for the about two years, called up a life coach, and made vital steps in turning my life around. My friends really were the ones who pulled me out of the dark. Literally having to drag me out of my bed and pushing me back into an audition room. Force feeding me. Calling me every five seconds. Giving me tough love. They saved me.

My year also turned out for the best. I immediately booked a touring contract in Singapore. Then traveling all of South East Asia, a life changing trip to Iceland, a summer contract doing Miss Saigon, being the Maid of Honor at my best friend's wedding and it's not even Halloween yet! This year has been near perfection.

But this hair loss thing? Whew. It hurts. It hurts me bad. Inside and out. That hole that I used to climb in? Looks quite cozy this week. It really fucking sucks, especially as an actor?! We spend hours marketing ourselves merely just on our physical appearance.  What the fuck am I gonna do? I never knew that my emotional state of the past few years could be so taxing on my physical body. But this is so real -- I am living proof of it. 

Nine months after thinking I had overcome my depression, physically being impinged has been the most shocking and frustrating. I've never felt happier, and yet this bullshit came up to almost remind me of the turmoil I went through. The delayed reaction to my mental health reaffirmed to me that continuously working on your spirit is vital.   




Yes. My hair is still falling out. 

Every shower I take, I lose more and more. Panic attacks about my career happen every other day. Looking in the mirror hasn't been fun, and my scalp needs a break from wearing hats constantly. 

This is why I'm posting this very public blog. This has only been happening for two weeks and I have lost 75% of my hair.

At this rate, I don't know what the next week will hold. 
I am going to have to start wearing wigs. In fact, I already have one ready for when the rest of it falls. I might even grow the balls to bust a Jessie J. up in dis bitch and shave it all off. Who knows? I may have to take a poll. :) 




No more hiding. No more shame!
Sure, I'm balding. Shitty. And the situation really fucking sucks. But sometimes, in the realm of bigger problems that I don't have, it doesn't

There is an abundance that I am incredibly thankful and happy for --you have no idea. I have my life. God. My family. I have an on-going circle of friends who have been my backbone. My equity card. An apartment in New York. All Harry Potter DVD's. Come on! Now, I have an opportunity to shed light on my own battle with depression. And baldness.

Maybe someone, somewhere can relate and see that you're not alone




I have complete faith in the Lord that this will make me stronger.
I will get through this. 
You better believe I will. There will be tough days. There always are. But I am certain there will be wonderful days. 

Keeping positive is obviously on the list of my priorities. Concentrating on the good. 

Also, buying hats! If you know of a cute one, you betta send me a picture of it! 


If you've read to this point of my blog, I deeply appreciate you. Thank you for taking the time to take a look into my world for a few minutes.


 And if you see me walking around, yeah boo thang, das a wig. 






76 comments:

  1. Allo,
    There's a lot of bull online but here you have written something real. I can imagine it feels good to be open about it, all I can say is that staying active: physically, emotionally, with community, is a good place to turn your sights. I can imagine that shaving it would feel better than being faced with the hair loss every day. When I feel like withdrawing from the world I turn to the things you've mentioned: being generous, cooking, singing and dancing, finding new music to listen to. You are gorgeous and I'm sure you're killing it on and off stage, so stay strong and keep writing!

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  2. Jackie, darling! I'm so happy that you have written this and have chosen to be public about your depression. I know that it will be helpful to you and to other who may be experiencing the same thing but choose to ignore it and hide it.
    I don't have to tell you that I am always there for you when you need me. You know I don't really sleep, whenever you need it boo!
    P.S I did see a fly hat that you will love!
    Love you
    Jayson

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  3. Hi Jackie, I'm Marci, Maxwel's second mother, sister in the faith. I took care of him and his sibling when they were babies. Life is the shit, isn't it? I commend your bravery, your honesty in telling your story. Depression sucks like a moh foh, I know. My husband and I have suffered infant loss at 2 different times. Loss just sucks period. I've been very fortunate to have family and dear friends to pull me out of that black hole. I'm glad that you have gotten help from therapists and life coaches. Girl, don't give up on life. All of this happens for a reason. We don't know what it is but only a high power does. Max cares about you a lot, you are his friend and he loves you, through all that mushy-ness, I care about you and your well being. Girl, shave it off! Let your sexiness shine through. Alopecia is temporary. Your hair will grow back. I pray for your peace of mind and hope that you will continue your journey to healing. Maybe I will meet you one day. Take care of yourself and always look for the positive, negative will always try to make it's way to you but fight it, always.

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  4. You beautiful face would look amazing with a buzzed head. I know you'll also look hot in a wig. As someone who has battled depression I am amazed by you bravery and courage to talk about the emotional cause of a physical problem. Your hair will grow back, in the meantime you will look great. More importantly your bravery and honesty to talk about depression will save others.
    I'll see you soon in whoville.
    Love,
    Sarah

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  5. This exact thing happened to me when I was about 15. I wish that I was able to read a blog about someone else going through it, I felt so singled out. I am a social person, but when it happened to me I only told my parents and two of my closest friends and walked around feeling lonely, miserable, and smelling like sulfur because of a shampoo that the doctors prescribed to rule out fungus, which made me feel even less like socializing. When it was decided that the condition was stress related I was, if possible, even more upset - as if having the condition isn't stressful enough, reacting to it might make it worse.
    What was weirdest was that I'd never thought of myself as enduring a lot of stress, but that's largely because I think I'd been in coping mode. My grandmother had died recently, my friend's mom (who was like a dear aunt) died unexpectedly, I'd just moved out of the home I'd grown up in because my parents were getting divorced, and I'd just transitioned into public school after being in private school for most of my life. Because I did what I could to just keep maintaining I figured that I was okay. I guess not. Anyway, it was upsetting to learn that stress was why this was happening, because having it happen was stressful enough.
    The good news was that, as soon as they ruled out anything super awful, and I understood that the best thing I could do was just settle into where I was instead of panicking about what might be, I learned how to slow down.
    I was lucky that the steroid injections they did actually reversed the problem, but I now am more mindful of overwhelm and allow myself breaks before I get there.
    Thank you for sharing this - I wish you all the best on your journey here, as well as support and a continued good sense of humor. Life is so weird, but you are great.

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  6. I admire your bravery Jackie!
    I had no idea you were struggling with depression. So many people place value and happiness on outward beauty - "how could someone as pretty as you be depressed?" When in fact Depression could care less about who you are or what you look like or how popular you may be. Its a bitch. I too struggle from depression and this year has been the worse one yet. You are not alone. You are loved and you will be in my prayers. <3

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  7. You have one of your biggest fans supporting you since Fall 2009. From this individual you are loved so much, even more than just an average friend. He suggests that the both of you should meet up some time soon, catch up, share, remind each other of the friendship you both have, even though it was brief. And ultimately, he would like to say that your life is a blessing, not just for yourself, but for also this fan. God has made your life well, and He will continue to do so throughout the rest of it. If all else fails, turn to God for help, He is always ready to answer your call.

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  8. Hey Jackie, it's amazing what u went through and still come out strong, I too have been losing the hair due to stress and life in general, but we both live it strong and forward. Ur happy spirit and smile truly brings life in everyone and that's what make u so admirable. The weight on your shoulders r tough to hold but for every obstacle you overcome, it supports u for the next. I always see it as. A game of chess, for every move u make, u build ur life, for every obstacle theres another piece, and when you feel you've made to the other side, know that you've made another accomplishment and your endless game of chess continues on to bring you to a better, stronger, and healthier state of mind. Totally an inception kinda thing but that metaphor has really kept me pumping and going. My character was imsecure and shy, and it grew to be confident and sucessful, with this firm of think. For every bad day, I flipped it make the best of it (no joke it wasnt as easily said than done) but as counter each wall, I built my character and I'm sure your probably doing something similar. Ur tough, ur beautiful, and confident, ur story will soon come to fruition and this blog of yours is just the beginning and an inspiration for others to be bold like u, the best of luck to u. -a long time preuss acquaintance.

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  9. Hey, we don't know each other but we have mutual friends. I just want you to know that you aren't alone. My marriage fell apart and in order to get out of it I had to give up my home, the career I'd worked my lifetime to build, my community, my city, and my places in two wonderful companies. Immediately after this about 1/3 of my hair fell out, my teenage backne returned, I had weird rashes on my thighs, and I've gained nearly 20 lbs.. Over two years later (and still entrenched in a very contested divorce that's had me move 21 times since summer 2012) I still have skin and hair issues and am still nearly 20 lbs. overweight. We're people. Life happens. And so does sh!t like this. But we'll get through it with the help of the people who love us :)

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  10. Hey Jackie,
    Thank you for putting out something so brave and honest. I think it is amazing what you are doing and can only image the amount of people you will touch and encourage through this. I know it's not the same, but when I was 15 I broke out in shingles and the doctor said it was from stress/depression. I think it's wild how our bodies can shed light on what we're thinking/feeling. I hope that you continue to hear stories of people feeling loved and encouraged by your strength and determination to step into the light rather than hide in the seemingly comfortable black hole we know too well. I will be praying for you and can't wait to see what amazing things you do through this journey.

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  11. What an inspiring blog! Thank you for sharing. Your courage and boldness to do so will no doubt inspire and bring hope to others. What the enemy intended for harm, you've allowed God to turn it around and use it for good. You are amazing and your attitude inspiring. Hair or no hair, you are still beautiful inside and out. Whatever look, all you have to do is own it and you're good. Praying for you!

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  12. Errr……. Can I just say that I find you v pretty…

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  13. Hi. I am a friend of Jon's. I too suffer from depression. I don't take medication. My mother lost most of the pigment in her skin due to stress. I almost lost my best cat because she was empathetic and when I was having boyfriend troubles-she went limp. I have three rescue cats now and when I was having financial problems, one started tearing out his fur. I try to eat better-nothing processed, and I have 2 tablespoons of ground flax meal every morning. If I don't I can feel it. Try to get outdoors and walk as often as possible and make sure you look up at the sky and especially the trees. A simple suggestion, but instant mood lifter. I wish you well. And you are very pretty-with or without your hair. Best wishes.

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  14. Hey Jackie,
    I am a friend of Sabrina in Singapore (well, sort of) I would like to say...Stay Strong and don't lose faith, you still have your friends with you who will stick and guide you through this darkness. Be brave and fight on!

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  15. I have no idea how I got here, but I'm so glad that I did! I, too, am an actress in NYC, and some of the people in your photos look familiar so I'm sure we have run into each other at some point. Thanks so much for writing this post. I know that there are people who are struggling with this condition or other conditions who now feel less alone in their struggle. I hope you keep writing! Best wishes to you!

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  16. Wow. What an inspiration to be so raw and so vulnerable. The Battle I've had, accepting myself and that my struggles with the same depression and such are real. Courage. Bravery. Beauty. Thank You.

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  17. I'm friends with Luan as Dawn and want to say I'm thankful for you sharing this and being so brave and candid. You're inspirational and have no idea the good you are doing by sharing. ��

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  18. Beautiful Jackie! Thank you for your willingness to share what's going on with us. As artists we must care and hold each other up and you are letting that happen. You 100% woke me up spiritually today and you have to know you are already helping people by telling the truth. I had my hair fall out when going through chemo treatment and it was one of the scariest experiences then became very powerful. It made me face my vainity and walk through it and, I think, changed and opened my heart to others. It helped me let go of myself. I really appreciate you and love you and am always inspired by you. Love, Daniel

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  19. Hi! Wanted to let you know my little sister went through this in grad school. She was extremely stressed out and her hair began falling out in clumps. She lost probably 50 percent of her hair. Long story short, it all ended up growing back and she's not had a problem since school.

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  20. PS following up on my comment I left in wrong area of your blog... oops.
    But after loosing my hair , 4 years ago I notice I was getting small patches of white hair on my facial hair. I went to Doctor and he told me my white blood cells are attacking my hair roots what ever that means. According to naaf.org, In alopecia areata, the affected hair follicles are mistakenly attacked in groups by a person's own immune system (white blood cells), thought i would share. Take care

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  21. I don't know you, but obviously you're a beautiful woman. If you end up losing your hair, you'll be a beautiful woman who just happens to be bald. There's no reason to be ashamed of it whatsoever.

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  22. Look into Zinc Picolinate and hair loss. Also, please see your medical doctor, if you haven't already. Pehaps some lab work could help to rule out any deficiencies or medical conditions.

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  23. I had alopecia areata, grew it back, lost it again, grew it back again and now I have alopecia universalis. No hair. Anywhere. I've seen specialists and tried every thing they threw at me. Well, just about (not going to risk my health for hair). Honestly, it's hard (super hard) but I've got awesome family/friends and a FANTASTIC WIG! Gotta get a good wig!! Unless you're the proud woman type, which I am not, but more power to you if you are! Lot's of great info out there for women with alopecia...check out http://www.womenshairlossproject.com/ for "support" from "Y" when you're feeling low. ; )

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  24. You rock that Jessie J look sister and wear it proudly.I have to say thank you for having the major "balls" to post this and you are beautiful with or without your hair.

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  25. This piece is so inspiring! You seem like such a beautiful person, inside and out. Keep doing what you're doing because this writing touched my soul! You rock.

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  26. This made me laugh. And cry… but from laughing! Thank you, I needed this today. You are gorgeous inside and out! I too have alopecia areata; triggered by a stressful two years: a car accident, 1st pregnancy, 1st childbirth, postpartum anxiety, family loss, 2nd pregnancy, 2nd childbirth, family loss… it all grew back within a year, but started falling out again a couple months ago. You are not alone, girl. I empathize. It fucking sucks, but it also can be a blessing in disguise. More about my personal story here if you want to connect:
    http://4thtrimesterbodies.com/angela-boes/

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    Replies
    1. My blog: http://myalopeciaproject.com
      Would love to connect! Xx

      Delete
  27. I feel you - I have alopecia areata too. Same reasons.
    Cut it off, you have an amazing face. You will rock that look, trust. If you have never had short hair, it's kinda thrilling, the freedom of not having to deal with the hair.
    Do the treatments (injections in scalp, ouch), be kind to you. And werk that weave! ;)

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  28. Hi! Thank you for sharing your story. I was really tuoched by it. I have experienced the same thing, but a slightly diffrent story. Got fed up with the remains of my so called hair a month ago and cut it off. Haven´t regretted that for a second. Trust me, you´ll feel like a superhero. I wear a wig when I will meet people who don´t now my story, but most of the time I wear a hat or bandana it´s kind of Cold i Sweden by now). Check ut these hats a woman (I suppose) in Sweden makes. They are supercute. www.virkgalen.se. Good luck and thanks for sharing your story. Love Jenny

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  29. I am a physician with the same problem. It got better in my case, and it'll likely do the same for you.

    If you are able to see Dr. Angela Christiano at Columbia University in NYC, do so--she has clinical trials that are ongoing that may be able to help you.

    To get through this, I had steroid injections, used topical minoxidil, and took biotin (10000 u/daily), a multivitamin, and then two cholesterol medications (fluvastatin and ezetimibe) that clearly had an effect (it's been reported, and I can attest it helps).

    Best of luck,

    Jim Januzzi

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  30. A true inspiration. You are beautiful with or without hair. As a fellow actress (in my previous life, anyway) I can so relate - and it is not the best business to be in when depression is a frequent guest. Am in Iceland, and have quite a few hats - look me up next time you're here - you can see some of them here on my Icelandic blog (I know, I know, the text is jibberish except to about 350 thousand of us or so, but at least you can see my hats :) ;) http://blogg.thoranna.is/2014/08/margir-hattar.html#.VCWZdPl_t8E

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  31. Thank you for this. I've been dealing with thinning and dramatic hair loss as well, same reason. Nothing bothers me more than my hair. I can deal with being overweight and that self image problem, but hair is getting me down. I just don't know what to do to help ot, don't know if I should try weave or wigs... your story though, it keeps me going, knowing I'm not alone.

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  32. Look up Ldn for help with auto immune conditions

    http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/09/19/one-of-the-rare-drugs-that-actually-helps-your-body-to-heal-itself.aspx

    Good luck and Best wishes


    http://www.ldnresearchtrust.org/

    ReplyDelete
  33. Hi Jackie, I just want to say that you are such a strong and courageous lady. I do face the same problem and trust me it is also severe and it has been on going for so many years. I have to give in to a huge medication bills and it is such an emotional breakdown as a female hair is so important for us. I had it when I was only 13 and now its almost a decade and it is still on and off. I am still fighting it and I know you can too. I just want to say thanks for letting me know I do not face this alone and you are such an inspiring person to look up to. Keep fighting and hope it will recover soon. =))

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  34. You are an inspiration!

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  35. Thank you for sharing your story. You are very brave, indeed. But you're still beautiful with or without hair! So many of us who have alopecia (for whatever cause or origin), your open honesty is very helpful. Thank you Jackie. :)

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  36. Thank you for sharing your story. I randomly saw your story because a friend had liked the story on Facebook. As I started to read your story, I saw parallels with my own life. On your last post dated 11/17, you talk about your birthday....When is your birthday? My birthday is today and so I am your Scorpio sister! I love, love, love Oprah! and I just saw her a few days ago on her Life You Want Tour. So coincidental that I mentioned to my bf yesterday that I love the Home Alone Movie. The next link I clicked on your page brought me to a picture of you in Southeast Asia riding an elephant. Last December, I was in Thailand and Cambodia... riding elephants! Soooo random!! Not only that... I am also of Asian descent and am too suffering from hair loss. I first noticed it about two years ago with the gradual recession of my hairline. So much hair would come out in the shower and whenever I ran my fingers into my hair. Six months prior, I had gone through a hard breakup and my anxiety and depression went through the roof. I also did the same and went to the doctor. She ran several tests on me, thyroid was normal, everything was pretty much normal. There were a few months when I became obsessed about my hair. I'm in my 30's and I was balding and the hairs that I was growing were now graying. Balding AND graying, not a great combo when your pretty still young at heart. I researched and researched everything, taking biotin, rogaine, and the comb that stimulates your scalp, trying every thickening and scalp shampoo known to man... I would get even more depressed when I would compare my hair to my peers. I would see girls on the street would long thick shiny hair and come home and cry about my thinning, limp, graying, frizzy ugly hair. I would cry to my boyfriend and he wouldn't ever get it. HAIR, is such a big deal! I was and still have been in mourning... I have my good days where I get inspired and find ways to cope, I'd always thought if it came to it, I would shave my head like Cassie and rock it. Other days are not so great. Finding your blog has given me inspiration, someone to relate to... Balding and the stress of it is not something that you can readily talk with your friends.. Thank you for sharing your story. I'll be following your journey. Best wishes!

    XOXO

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  37. Appreciate for posting such a nice blog.................

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  38. Wow, this is such a vulnerable post that brought tears to my eyes. Kudos to you for being brave by sharing your story with the world. And keep smiling as you are an inspiration to many.

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  39. Advances in genetic research have helped scientists to gain new tools with which they are trying to learn about the genetics of hair loss. Research by alterna hair confirms that hair loss is inherited like the color of your eyes.

    ReplyDelete
  40. Medical conditions such as diabetes or thyroid problems might cause hair loss. People experiencing hair loss should consult their doctor for an accurate diagnosis of what is causing them to lose hair. Treating the medical condition usually cures hair loss problems. In any case, you can always use herbal hair oil and Shampoo are really good for the hair health.
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  41. Yes, 48.... severe stress/trauma.. hair loss at about 40% now.. look like your pics. Happened slowly but did not realize it until it happened faster and faster! I wear a wig now, blood work in the works and Dermo scheduled.

    ReplyDelete
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  43. the end of pregnancy, menopause, change of pill, etc. Some medications also cause hair loss: when in doubt, remember to check the instructions! Another factor responsible for hair loss:

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  46. hi there,
    Im just popping by to say how incredibly brave you are for posting this. Everything you wrote is from your heart and i really admire that. You really are beautiful inside and out, you dont need any hair for that.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I think you can still recover at this stage. The 2 options that I took was gave a little time about 6 mths then I opted to try PRO-ALOPECIATA Advanced Formulation from https://curespotbaldness.com. A friends mom suggested I try it when she saw my bald spot. Took about two packs for my spot to regrow hair.

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  52. Hi, read about your Alopecia Areata problem, it was very inspiring. My bro had the same problem. During that time both of us did many research and found out that most treatments have side effects.



    Later we found a treatment that contained natural ingredients combined with hair oil. It was a costly treatment, however the effectiveness made it worth every penny spent. We got the treatment – PRO-ALOPECIATA Advanced Formulation from http://www.curespotbaldness.com.

    My bro has completely recovered and the bald spots has never appeared again. You might want try it. Wish you a quick recovery.

    Sam, New York

    ReplyDelete
  53. As a fellow female sufferer of alopecia areata...I really needed this tonight. Thank you for putting your story out there. You helped me rationalise my darker feelings of late, and have encouraged me to crawl out of the comfy dark hole, and do something positive. Thank you xo

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  54. Ps. You still look fantastic and are a very accomplished young lady! Hope things improved for you since your post :)

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  63. Depression causes hair loss, its realty. We have treated many patients who had baldness due to kind of stress/ depression. Now its easy to get hair transplant in India as there are availability of huge number of clinics in India. Hair transplant in Pune | Hair transplant in Delhi

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  64. Hair loss is the most alarming problem faced by a lot of people these days. But the bitter truth is that, a lot of women are facing these problems. However there may be a lot of reasons behind hair loss in women. People who are interested to know about these causes in detail, must click on the below link.
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  65. Hair loss problem is constantly increasing such that nowadays , women are facing the problem at very early age. If you are worried about your early hair loss problem then you can get the hair transplant treatment to cure the problem.

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  66. If you are suffering from hair loss problem and want the best solution to avoid the problem then you can go with best hair transplant in India. The treatment is best to provide the natural and dense hair back on your scalp.

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  67. Thank you so much Jackie for sharing your experience with us. You are really very brave. I also want to share my hair loss experience with you. I was suffering from hair loss about 3 years ago and then someone recommended me Hair Transplant Surgery. I got this surgery and now i am very glad to say that i git may natural looking hair back.

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  68. Anyone who reads this blog and want to get the best solution of their alopecia areata treatment then he/she can easily set their appointment with us. We are the only clinic that give you successful result for alopecia areata treatment in India at low costs.

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  70. Get the perfect solution for hair loss problem with hair transplant in India at Satyam Centre at affordable costs. We gives you permanent results using the various advanced methods.

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  71. Thank you for providing insight into various Hair Transplant blogs. I will Definatly Bookmark this blog. I would request you to post more blogs as you write well and your post are useful. I am also a Hair Specialialist in Chandigarh. This is Very Helpful for me!!

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  72. Eliminate hair loss permanently with the best Hair transplant in India. Visit our website to book an appointment now. We promise 100% natural looking results.

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