Friday, May 9, 2014

April was divine.

Putting in the work to be the person you want to be is tough as shit. But worth it.

I don't want to have the post travel blues. I don't want to feel out of shape. I don't want my heart to be empty.

So don't, Jackie. Sounds simple enough.

April marked 7 years since I lost my big brother William. I planned a big celebration dinner amongst a large group of friends. Every year before hand, I would go buy a vanilla cupcake, light some candles. This year is a bit different, so I wanted to plan a big party.

I prepared a big dinner. Spent essentially almost every dime that I had from babysitting on wine, cheese, materials to make Icelandic hotdogs, two batches of vanilla cupcakes, salad and etc.

7 people cancelled on me the day of. Even hours before. At first, I tried not to be upset or disappointed. Those qualities can be so ugly. A big part of this year for me is to not feel disappointment anymore. In friends, family, life or theatre -- no more disappointments.

But fuck, I sure felt it that night.

Although this day was all about William, and celebrating his life, this dinner was for me. I needed support. I needed shoulders to lean on. Because I lost a brother. I went through grief. And lately, I've experienced more loss in my life, and I needed the love of my friends to lift me. But those who did show up that night were gems, and made me forget about the people that cancelled. And we sure had some bomb ass Icelandic hotdogs.

The past month and a half consists of post-travel blues, catching up on friendships, starting a yoga class, starting a new cycling job, new work out regiment, bought new work-out equipment, and a fucking JUICER. I've never been so active in my life other than when I danced for hours on end.
I'm so crunchy granola now, I almost laugh at myself. But I really feel healthier and more energized than ever. It's a great thing.

I do miss traveling though. Iceland, mostly. Also, my buddies in Singapore. I remember waking up and feeling exhilarated to explore and try new things. Even down to the water I drank, I savored every moment. Thus a goal of mine is to translate the enthusiasm I had in Iceland over here in New York City. So far, so good.

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