Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Mind no attention.

We all look for validation because of our insecurities. I admit, I have many. I wish I could change many things about me, because aesthetically, I'm disappointed. There could be things that would make me feel "better". Doesn't this reign true to most individuals? Why do we dress up, put in an extra fifteen minutes of our day caking our skin, painting our eyes and lips, or checking twice in the mirror if we look okay? Maybe because we want to impress someone, in turn impressing ourselves?

Some of us don't express ourselves in that way. Some people have no interest in making their exterior any different, but invest their time in honing their skills artistically or mentally. Still.

Don't get me wrong. I am utterly, 100% guilty of all of the above. I admire fashion, I admire those who admire it, and have been putting a few more minutes of my day into making myself feel prettier. A bit of crimson lipstick, rings on almost every finger, and a nose ring on my face ready to go. Nothing wrong with that. Looking better, makes me feel better. Even my mom says so. But I fished for the deep root of why I do this. Today, rather.

Why is it when we seek, it is to rid our insecurities. It may not be through compliments, nor looking good that day, but the root of many things that I seek lie in validation. I want to know that someone loves me for some reason. My passion for life, my interest in writing or theatre, how I treat others, my loyalty, how incredibly poor my humor can be, or even maybe how I sing. I could give two shits about how I'm perceived physically, because I am what I am, take it or leave it. But is this why we also seek love? Seek relationships because we know that if we can find it; find that person who loves us despite of our flaws, will validate how we feel as a human being?

Growing up without a dad, and with my older brother's leaving me so suddenly, makes me feel like I lack this validation from men. I lack it, and I seek it. The root of my pain, the root of my joy, the root was dug up from abandonment. It is almost sickening. But before my brother William died, he told me that I was capable, and beautiful. Capable and beautiful. Two words I will never forget until I die. It fueled me with strength and made me feel like I was on top of the universe because my brother, whom never really got a chance to see me grow up, told me these things before he died.

All we as humans, as surviving people, want is to feel capable and beautiful. And if we long for a lifetime of validation through a spouse, if that person will constantly provide you with the feeling of being on top of the world, then hold on and run with it.

I guess I can understand why we choose to be in relationships, and choose to develop them with other people. But there must be something deeper than personal search. There must be a certain level beyond comprehension when it comes to love. I wish I had the wisdom to know.

I'm rambling.

1 comment:

  1. Validation in Jesus girl. The only being that will leave you nor forsake you. He is the ultimate validation. <3