Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Rest in Peace, my friend Mai Hayakawa. She was killed in a car accident last night. I worked with her in Miss Saigon, Front and Center, and had classes with her. She was so unafraid of judgement, so willing to express her creative nature, and deserved to live her entire life. I will miss many things about Mai. She was a curious, loving, and wonderful human being. I'm so grateful that God introduced me to such a sweet angel. I was miles away from my Cal State Fullerton family tonight, and I wanted nothing more than to be part of that community tonight to gather in her name. She touched us all. I will pray for her, and also for family and friends who are dealing with her loss at this time. Miss you Mai.

At this point, I want nothing more than to spend time with my love ones and to show them that they are important and mean the world to me. However, what do you do, when the people you love most, begin to push you away? Like snipping threads of a relationship off slowly, one stitch at a time, and all you can do is watch them slip away? How am I supposed to do my part, if it just backfires at me? I have no means of controlling how another person feels, especially how they feel about me. I am an anchor, I know it. I hate feeling like I am holding someone back from happiness or freedom, because it is the exact opposite of how I feel.

It pains me to feel this type of sorrow. I have terrible anxiety, which makes sleeping a living hell. I feel alone and weak. I am alone and weak.

I have been searching for answers from all venues. I beg, I kick, I scream and weep. My friends are sick of my cracking voice, with questions that repeat over and over and over and over and over. I've invested time in even talking to my mom about certain things, and even with her comforting tone, and motherly instincts to caress my back as I cry into her chest, I am still left feeling alone. Now, I have turned to God. In multiple ways. Mostly by prayer, secondly by church. I have always kept God in my life, more actively in times, less actively in others. & now, I am compelled to allow God's plan to release me, and hopefully fill my heart.

Why am I just not important anymore?

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